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There's a saying that Ephman heard once:
"If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just suck." - Kenny Powers
But sometimes you do succeed, and you still suck. Here's the official top 10 list of bands that just plain suck. Now as you know Ephman's not a hater, he hates haters. He's a realist. This list isn't biased to any genre or music, time period, or bands already. As Ephman started to make this list he had to really listen to a ton of crappy music. In a way Ephman does respect these bands, for what has been coined "The Anvil Factor". Although Anvil is an awesome band, and would never make this list. Anvil was subjected to obscurity but still banged their heads to make it big.
1. New Kids On The Block
What makes this band number one on this list is that they're not even a band. They were manufactured by Maurice "The General" Starr. This video says it all. The way that NKOTB rides in on the Harely, and the other dude jumps over the drums... spells B.A.D.A.S.S.
2. Waco Jesus
It's a tie for first place. This band is so bad. Not only is the music totally unlistenable to, in a way you've got to also be kind of afraid of their fans. With songs like The War On Women, and Blast You In The Face With My Semen, doesn't take a genius to figure out they suck. If you can listen to more then 30 seconds of this you're just InSaNe!
3. The Eagles
Oh come on admit it. They are so BORING. You just want to go to sleep when you hear them. Ya they're a superband, ya Glen Frey is a pretty cool dude... but please... the truth is that they're boring. Maybe it's been because they have been so overplayed over the years. But the fact remains that they make this list.
Ok it's bad enough that this Danish band (Ephman has nothing against Danes), had a big hit about a doll that has helped give body complexes to an unknown number of girls. But then they have this song glorifying one of the worst time periods in music history "The 80's".
5. The Styles
Awsome. If you're going to have a song called The Music Sucks you get to make the list. That was an easy one. But realistically there doesn't seem to be anything so special about this band. They seem to sound like so many others that should also be in this spot. So number 5 is dedicated to all those bands and songs that all sound the same because the music sucks.
This band makes the list because come on just check out their name. First off if Ephman had his way every hair band would make this Top 10. But that's just not fair to all the other bands that suck so bad. At first it was thought that this was some sort of Spinal Tap thing going on. Poser sucks on so many different levels.
Just what the heck is going on here? There's no explanation here. It hurts to listen to this band. Ephman suggests that there should be some sort of "induces epileptic seizure" warning. So please if you do have epilepsy do not listen or watch this video, Ephman takes no responsibility (and probably should apply to a few other songs on this list).
8. Vanilla Ice
Ephman has nothing against white rappers, see he thinks the Beastie Boys are in his Top 10 Band list (soon to be published). There had to be an exception with the band rule, so that this individual could be added. If you're going to sample a song... please Vanilla please please please at least sample GOOD songs. Don't add crappy tunes to your already existing bad song, it only makes things worse.
9. The Chordettes
Ephman just wants to blow his head off when he hears this band. Especially this song from The Chordettes. There's one freaking lyric basically in this song. The horror... and Mr. Sandman... please Chordettes stop the whining.
Wants to thank Dickman below there on the Chlliwack suggestion. Ya probably the worst band that has ever come out of Canada. Ya, Ephman's putting them on the list for all the reasons listed below. Hope you enjoy this truly awful cover performed by The Reccess Monkey's.