The Top 10 Official Greatest Dumbest Athletes Of All Time

This list was a sort of hard list to put together.  See, there's a lot of great athletes out there, a lot of dumb athletes out there, but this list is the official top 10 list of the greatest dumbest athletes of all time (so far).  It's August 20th and today is a special day in Plaxio Burress's life.  So this blog post is dedicated to Plaxico.

You'll notice on this list a few more football players then any other sport.  And maybe the reason can be best described by Hall Of Famer and former Toronto Argonaut Joe Theismann when he so eloquently said "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."  enough said.

1. O.J. Simpson

This was just a given.  O.J is one stupid person.  Ephman's not here to debate you on him skating a murder rap because "the glove don't fit".  Conventional wisdom has shown he walked away from spending the rest of his life in prison for killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.  But he does get to make number one this list because this idiot just wasn't able to learn his lesson.  Hey, this moron is now convicted, and sitting in Lovelock Correctional Center for up to 33 years, for basically kidnapping a few guys, and getting another guy to point a gun at them.  All because some folks had some stuff with O.J.'s name on it.  But on the other hand O.J is one of the greastest running backs of all time:

    6× Pro Bowl selection (1969, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976)
    5× All-Pro selection (1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976)
    NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time Team
    NFL 1970s All-Decade Team
    1968 Heisman Trophy
    1968 Maxwell Award
    1968 UPI Player of the Year
    1967 Walter Camp Award
    1967 UPI Player of the Year
    1973 NFL MVP
    1973 NFL Offensive Player of the Year
    1973 Bert Bell Award
    1973 Pro Bowl MVP
    3× UPI AFL-AFC Player of the Year (1972, 1973, 1975)
    1973 AP Man Athlete of the Year

Here's a video of O.J.'s greast run.



2. Plaxico Burress

Plaxico Burress is going to be serving 2 years.  Why?  Not only did this moron walk around NYC with a loaded concealed, he got drunk, AND SHOT HIMSELF!!!  Ephman's sure he's seen that one in one too many Looney Tunes cartoons.  But on the otherhand...

    Plaxico is a 2 time All-Big Ten
    All-Pro selection
    Superbowl XLII Champion


3. Andre Dawson

Sometimes it might not be what you do, but what you say that counts.  And poor Andre Dawson, might not have meant to say "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."  Double take time... copulate?  Did he really say he wants all the kids to engage in sexual intercourse with him?  Now we know what was on Andre's mind that day.  The good news is that he's never been convicted of child molestation.  But on the other hand this awesome outfielder had a great career:

    8x All-Star selection (1981, 1982, 1983, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991)
    8x Gold Glove Award winner (1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1987, 1988)
    4x Silver Slugger Award winner (1980, 1981, 1983, 1987)
    1987 NL MVP
    1977 NL Rookie of the Year
    1994 Hutch Award
    1987 Home Run Derby winner
    Montreal Expos #10 retired 


4. Ricky Williams

Smoking too many joints got this fellow on the list.  Ricky Williams just couldn't lay off the whacky tabacky it looks like.  He missed 2 NFL seasons because of it.  Sure there are arguments on if marijuana should be decriminalized.  But that's not what this list is here for.  Ricky had to move up to Canada where it basically is legal to play in the CFL.  Which by the way didn't test for that drug at the time he was playing for the Toronto Argonauts.  HHHMMM makes Ephman think maybe for his case that wasn't such a bad idea.  While he had the munchies he got to eat his cake, AND play professional football.  But on the otherhand this great running back maybe could be better if he didn't miss those two season:

    2× Doak Walker Award (1997, 1998)
    2× Jim Brown Trophy (1997, 1998)
    Walter Camp Award (1998)
    Maxwell Award (1998)
    Heisman Trophy (1998)
    AP College Player of the Year (1998)
    Pro Bowl selection (2002)
    Pro Bowl MVP (2002)
 


5. Mike Tyson

There is probably a good argument that that Tyson should be higher on this list.  But he gets to hit the mid-pack.  Ephman thinks that maybe he's just a result of his environment.  He's done a lot of dumb dumb things.  From raping Desiree Washington, eating Holyfields ear, and getting busted time and again for drugs and DUI.  In a way you need to feel bad for this tragic fellow.  But dumb he is.  Over his career he was paid over $300,000,000.  GONE.  He lost it all.  It's true he did buy a tiger.  And now he has a tattoo on his face, which makes him look dumb (he's not even Māori).  So for losing all his money, acting, and looking dumb Tyson makes this list.  Just don't tell him, Ephman probably couldn't survive a punch from this guy.  But on the other hand he is the youngest man ever to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles. 

    Total fights 58
    Wins 50
    Wins by KO 44
    Losses 6
    Draws 0
    No contests 2 


6. Michael Vick

Micheal gets in on this list on two counts.  Being dumb, and being evil (which makes you dumb).  The guy was running a dog fighting syndicate RIGHT ON HIS PROPERTY!!!  And then kind of denied he was ever home and had no idea what goes on there.  This after all his neighbors said he was there all the time.  Come on Michael, we're not the dumb ones, you are.  How bright can you be to think that putting to dogs bred to fight into a ring is entertainment, or even competition?  Vick your a dick, who happens to be so so dumb.  He has paid his debt in jail, lost all his money, and was suspended from the NFL.  But we are all allowed a second chance so there is hope for this moron still.  And seeing how he acts and helps animals in the future might do the trick.  But on the other hand this quaterback is pretty impressive:

     1999 Archie Griffin Award Winner
     3rd in Heisman voting (1999)
     6th in Heisman voting (2000)
     3× Pro Bowl selection (2002, 2004, 2005)

 


7. Sammy Sosa


Sammy Sosa went from having 36 home runs in 1997 to 66 the next year.  How the heck did this guy hit an additional 30 home runs from one year to the next?  "To be clear, I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything. I have not broken the laws of the United States or the laws of the Dominican Republic. I have been tested as recently as 2004, and I am clean."  Ok he must think we're the dumb one's.  Which in turn makes him the dumb one.  Nobody's buying it Sammy.  But on the other hand those drugs sure did put up some great numbers:

    7x All-Star selection (1995, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2004)
    6x Silver Slugger Award winner (1995, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002)
    1998 NL MVP
    1998 Roberto Clemente Award
    1999 NL Hank Aaron Award
    2000 Home Run Derby winner

 

8. Jayson Williams

Thought the NBA was immune from this list of morons right?  Nope.  Former Suns, 76ers, and Nets star, but current dummy Jayson Williams is still looking at manslaughter charges for killing his limo driver Gus.  Poor Gus.  What did Gus do to you Jayson?  Sure the first trial deemed a mistrial, but still man.  But what about the time the NYPD had to use their Tasers on you, or your retarded bar fight this past May?  Who still gets into bar fights these days anyways?  Still you can't deny he was a great basketball player.


9. Tom Watt

Who the heck is Tom Watt you ask?  Well he's not an athlete, he's a coach.  You know Ephman, kind of mixes it up every once in a while, there are no rules here at Ephman.  Tom Watt goes down as one of the worst coaches in NHL history.  But that's not why he makes the list.  He makes it for this beauty of a quote while coaching the 22-37-10 legends of hockey the Toronto Maple Laughs.  From 1990 to 1992 this genius coached them.  "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."  Hey thanks Tom for letting us know that.  Great insight, and words of wisdom.  What a dumb think to say.  Actually the sad part of it all is that Ephman's beloved Toronto Maple Leafs have not really played that much better all these years later.


10. You

For number 10 Ephman just needs to leave it up to you.  There are just so many dumb great athletes that some help to find that elusive one is left to you.

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Comments

Number 10

That's a great list Ephman.. I love all 9 (but would have preferred a pic of Andre Dawson in his Expos uniform)..

Here is my pitch for number 10 none other than my main man, JOHN DALY

John Daly came from nowhere as a 9th Alternate to win the PGA Championship in 1991. Daly was subsequently named PGA Tour Rookie of the Year. He was also the first rookie to win a major title since Jerry Pate won the U.S. Open in 1976.

He won the B.C. Open in 1992 and the BellSouth Classic in 1994. In 1995, he unexpectedly won the British Open in a playoff with Italian Costantino Rocca at St. Andrews.

But then .. the wheels all started coming for many years to come. Talk about Grip it and Rip it:

Alcoholism

Daly once claimed that he drank a fifth of Jack Daniel's every day during the year he was 23 years of age, and the various reported incidents include being removed from a British Airways airplane by airport security for harassing a flight attendant while drunk. He has entered into various alcohol addiction programs, including the Betty Ford Clinic, at least three times, and has experienced three divorces since becoming a professional golfer.

In May 1993, he was upset by his opening round at the Kemper Open, threw his scoring card in the scoring tent, walked off, and was disqualified. In late 1993, Daly was given an indefinite suspension for 1994 after quitting in the middle of the Kapalua International and told to seek treatment for his alcoholism. He was at first suspended for the first 12 tournaments of the 1994 season, but he came a few weeks earlier than expected and played in the Honda Classic, finishing fourth. These incidents resulted in a stretch between 1996 and 2001 without a professional victory. During this stretch, Daly was especially known for having spectacular blow-up holes near the end of rounds such as knocking multiple balls into water or out-of-bounds for a double-digit score or hitting a ball while it was still moving and then walking off the course. During the 1998 Greater Vancouver Open, Daly was visibly shaking as he tried to play, causing the television announcers to audibly wince at the sight.

In March 2008, Daly's swing coach Butch Harmon quit, saying that "the most important thing in [Daly's] life is getting drunk."

On Sunday, October 26, 2008, Daly was taken into protective custody by Winston-Salem police after he was found drunk outside an area Hooters restaurant.

Due to John Daly's various drinking escapades, the alcoholic drink consisting of sweet tea-flavored vodka and lemonade (also called a Dirty Arnold Palmer) is often referred to as a John Daly.

Gambling

In 2006, Daly revealed in the last chapter of his autobiography that he has had great difficulty with a gambling problem. He claims to have lost between US$50 and $60 million over the past 15 years. This includes losing $1.5 million in October 2005, after winning half that amount at the WGC-American Express tournament, most of it lost on $5,000 Las Vegas slot machines. Daly has been able to pay his gambling debts mostly through making more paid public appearances and through sponsorships opportunities.

Health

Despite prodigious consumption of cigarettes and Diet Coke, Daly has never conquered his weight problem; he refused to partake in the British Open Champions Dinner because "You can't get this fat boy into a suit." He has admitted the only reason he does not lift weights is because the health club does not let him smoke there and he would get sick after he worked out.

In early 2009 he had "Lap-Band Surgery" which limits the amount of food that he can consume. He reportedly lost more than 40 pounds in less than 8 weeks after having the surgery.

According to an interview with Jim Gray on Live from... the PGA Chamipionship (a Golf Channel show) on Wednesday, August 12, 2009, Daly claimed to have lost 91 pounds following the surgery and weighed under 200 lbs.

Marriages

In the summer of 1987, he married Dale Crafton. They divorced in Feb. 1990. In the summer of 1992, he married Bettye Fulford. They had a daughter Shynah Hale. In December 1992, Daly was charged with third-degree assault for throwing his second wife Bettye into a wall; although the actual circumstances of the incident, by all current accounts[who?], indicate the charges were overstated and Bettye did not wish to pursue the matter. Daly has said in his autobiography that he did not, nor has he ever, hit or hurt a woman.

He apologized for the incident, which has now been characterized more as "shoving" than "throwing", and entered an alcohol rehabilitation center and took time off from golf tournaments in early 1993. He divorced Bettye at least in part because she turned out to be ten years older than she originally told him she was. In July 1995 he married Paulette Dean. They had a daughter, Sierra Lynn. They divorced in 1999. On July 29, 2001, he married Sherrie Miller. Their son John Patrick Daly II was born July 23, 2003.

On June 8, 2007, Daly and his fourth wife Sherrie got into a fight at a restaurant in Memphis, Tennessee, site of that week's tour stop, the Stanford St. Jude Championship. Daly claims that later that night his wife attacked him with a steak knife. He showed up for his 2nd round on Friday afternoon with cuts and scrapes across his face. Authorities were contacted by him and came to his house, but his wife had already fled the scene and taken their children with her.

Sherrie (at some point) pleaded guilty to federal drug charges and was sentenced to a five month prison term.

Daly's third ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly, has now been linked to Baseball star Roger Clemens in an alleged affair during Clemens' marriage.

ephman doesn't know yet...

ephman isn't convinced.  well not yet. you put a good argument.  totally satisfy the greatest part, but the dumbest?  gambling and alcholism isn't dumb behaviour.  maybe, but really it is an illness.  a diet of smoke and coca-cola, sounds pretty fine to ephman, if he could survive it.  yeah the 'shoving' part, pretty dumb thing to do to a girl.  and ya getting married like 3 times.  sort of like what kenny says "if at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck".  so poor johnny isn't dumb, but a huge suck.  especially quitting in the middle of tournaments.  which if you think about it for a moment dickman, you just gave ephman a new topic to write about.  the official top 10 greatest athletes that suck.  your boy johnny daly there just made numero uno!  thanks dickman, always great insight from you.  a wise man indeed you are.

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