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This list was a sort of hard list to put together. See, there's a lot of great athletes out there, a lot of dumb athletes out there, but this list is the official top 10 list of the greatest dumbest athletes of all time (so far). It's August 20th and today is a special day in Plaxio Burress's life. So this blog post is dedicated to Plaxico.
You'll notice on this list a few more football players then any other sport. And maybe the reason can be best described by Hall Of Famer and former Toronto Argonaut Joe Theismann when he so eloquently said "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." enough said.
1. O.J. Simpson
This was just a given. O.J is one stupid person. Ephman's not here to debate you on him skating a murder rap because "the glove don't fit". Conventional wisdom has shown he walked away from spending the rest of his life in prison for killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. But he does get to make number one this list because this idiot just wasn't able to learn his lesson. Hey, this moron is now convicted, and sitting in Lovelock Correctional Center for up to 33 years, for basically kidnapping a few guys, and getting another guy to point a gun at them. All because some folks had some stuff with O.J.'s name on it. But on the other hand O.J is one of the greastest running backs of all time:
6× Pro Bowl selection (1969, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976)
5× All-Pro selection (1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976)
NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time Team
NFL 1970s All-Decade Team
1968 Heisman Trophy
1968 Maxwell Award
1968 UPI Player of the Year
1967 Walter Camp Award
1967 UPI Player of the Year
1973 NFL MVP
1973 NFL Offensive Player of the Year
1973 Bert Bell Award
1973 Pro Bowl MVP
3× UPI AFL-AFC Player of the Year (1972, 1973, 1975)
1973 AP Man Athlete of the Year
Here's a video of O.J.'s greast run.
2. Plaxico Burress
Plaxico Burress is going to be serving 2 years. Why? Not only did this moron walk around NYC with a loaded concealed, he got drunk, AND SHOT HIMSELF!!! Ephman's sure he's seen that one in one too many Looney Tunes cartoons. But on the otherhand...
Plaxico is a 2 time All-Big Ten
Superbowl XLII Champion
3. Andre Dawson
Sometimes it might not be what you do, but what you say that counts. And poor Andre Dawson, might not have meant to say "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." Double take time... copulate? Did he really say he wants all the kids to engage in sexual intercourse with him? Now we know what was on Andre's mind that day. The good news is that he's never been convicted of child molestation. But on the other hand this awesome outfielder had a great career:
8x All-Star selection (1981, 1982, 1983, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991)
8x Gold Glove Award winner (1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1987, 1988)
4x Silver Slugger Award winner (1980, 1981, 1983, 1987)
1987 NL MVP
1977 NL Rookie of the Year
1994 Hutch Award
1987 Home Run Derby winner
Montreal Expos #10 retired
4. Ricky Williams
Smoking too many joints got this fellow on the list. Ricky Williams just couldn't lay off the whacky tabacky it looks like. He missed 2 NFL seasons because of it. Sure there are arguments on if marijuana should be decriminalized. But that's not what this list is here for. Ricky had to move up to Canada where it basically is legal to play in the CFL. Which by the way didn't test for that drug at the time he was playing for the Toronto Argonauts. HHHMMM makes Ephman think maybe for his case that wasn't such a bad idea. While he had the munchies he got to eat his cake, AND play professional football. But on the otherhand this great running back maybe could be better if he didn't miss those two season:
2× Doak Walker Award (1997, 1998)
2× Jim Brown Trophy (1997, 1998)
Walter Camp Award (1998)
Maxwell Award (1998)
Heisman Trophy (1998)
AP College Player of the Year (1998)
Pro Bowl selection (2002)
Pro Bowl MVP (2002)
5. Mike Tyson
There is probably a good argument that that Tyson should be higher on this list. But he gets to hit the mid-pack. Ephman thinks that maybe he's just a result of his environment. He's done a lot of dumb dumb things. From raping Desiree Washington, eating Holyfields ear, and getting busted time and again for drugs and DUI. In a way you need to feel bad for this tragic fellow. But dumb he is. Over his career he was paid over $300,000,000. GONE. He lost it all. It's true he did buy a tiger. And now he has a tattoo on his face, which makes him look dumb (he's not even Māori). So for losing all his money, acting, and looking dumb Tyson makes this list. Just don't tell him, Ephman probably couldn't survive a punch from this guy. But on the other hand he is the youngest man ever to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles.
Total fights 58
Wins by KO 44
No contests 2
6. Michael Vick
Micheal gets in on this list on two counts. Being dumb, and being evil (which makes you dumb). The guy was running a dog fighting syndicate RIGHT ON HIS PROPERTY!!! And then kind of denied he was ever home and had no idea what goes on there. This after all his neighbors said he was there all the time. Come on Michael, we're not the dumb ones, you are. How bright can you be to think that putting to dogs bred to fight into a ring is entertainment, or even competition? Vick your a dick, who happens to be so so dumb. He has paid his debt in jail, lost all his money, and was suspended from the NFL. But we are all allowed a second chance so there is hope for this moron still. And seeing how he acts and helps animals in the future might do the trick. But on the other hand this quaterback is pretty impressive:
1999 Archie Griffin Award Winner
3rd in Heisman voting (1999)
6th in Heisman voting (2000)
3× Pro Bowl selection (2002, 2004, 2005)
7. Sammy Sosa
Sammy Sosa went from having 36 home runs in 1997 to 66 the next year. How the heck did this guy hit an additional 30 home runs from one year to the next? "To be clear, I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything. I have not broken the laws of the United States or the laws of the Dominican Republic. I have been tested as recently as 2004, and I am clean." Ok he must think we're the dumb one's. Which in turn makes him the dumb one. Nobody's buying it Sammy. But on the other hand those drugs sure did put up some great numbers:
7x All-Star selection (1995, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2004)
6x Silver Slugger Award winner (1995, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002)
1998 NL MVP
1998 Roberto Clemente Award
1999 NL Hank Aaron Award
2000 Home Run Derby winner
8. Jayson Williams
Thought the NBA was immune from this list of morons right? Nope. Former Suns, 76ers, and Nets star, but current dummy Jayson Williams is still looking at manslaughter charges for killing his limo driver Gus. Poor Gus. What did Gus do to you Jayson? Sure the first trial deemed a mistrial, but still man. But what about the time the NYPD had to use their Tasers on you, or your retarded bar fight this past May? Who still gets into bar fights these days anyways? Still you can't deny he was a great basketball player.
9. Tom Watt
Who the heck is Tom Watt you ask? Well he's not an athlete, he's a coach. You know Ephman, kind of mixes it up every once in a while, there are no rules here at Ephman. Tom Watt goes down as one of the worst coaches in NHL history. But that's not why he makes the list. He makes it for this beauty of a quote while coaching the 22-37-10 legends of hockey the Toronto Maple Laughs. From 1990 to 1992 this genius coached them. "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good." Hey thanks Tom for letting us know that. Great insight, and words of wisdom. What a dumb think to say. Actually the sad part of it all is that Ephman's beloved Toronto Maple Leafs have not really played that much better all these years later.
For number 10 Ephman just needs to leave it up to you. There are just so many dumb great athletes that some help to find that elusive one is left to you.